Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I Love Her!
I have been reading the diary of Anais Nin for the past few months. I read very slowly and thoroughly, and often juggle several books at once. Anais Nin understood human beings, and was very philosphical. I constantly underline and highlight phrases from her diary. She made profound observations on life in her early thirties. Everyone she met wanted to be closer to her. She was beautiful, kind, and artistic. Everyone seemed to love and trust her. My dreamgirl. My hero. She prefered to live in a dream world, like me! She reminds me of a much better version of myself. Even her relationship with June reminds me of a past relationship of my own.
Today, I am engaged in sentiment, and cleaning. I am cleaning my apartment. I am throwing things away that I do not want to put in storage for a year. I have to get rid of as much as possible, and get ready for my landlord to steamclean. I moved my bed, and some of my furniture out onto the deck. Catty did not like things being moved around. He put his paws up the wall and meowed at the ceiling. He ran around and sniffed inside of the closet. He especially doesn't like the bed not being in the apartment anymore. I have a feeling Jer won't like that much either. Though, if he wants, he can have the couch and I will take the floor. It'll prepare me for tour. I can't sleep with bugs anymore.
During my cleaning, I read many documents from my past. Notes from college, diary entries, tax forms, photographs, and much more. The things that interested me the most were old song lyrics, information about my old band, Automatic Fancy, and anything to do with old romances.
It seems that most of the pain in life either comes from romance or death. Since I have not had much death in my life, I get pretty much all my pain from romance.
There have been 4 significant loves in my life. The first, was my first real boyfriend, who I met when I was 16. Colin Schnell aka Jaden Berlin. I don't know if I would say I loved him, but he was one of the most memorable people I've been with. We only dated as teens for about four months. But, he did break my heart when he broke up with me. He was handsome, flamboyant, and seemed knowledgeable. I remember after he broke up with me (this was a few days after I ahem- made his penis bleed during my first blowjob) my grampa said something to the effect of "there are plenty of fish in the sea". This was after he sang "Puppy Love" to me. I remember at the time thinking of how insensitive it was of him to trivialize my heartache, but by god, my grampa was right! I actually didn't look at any diary entries concerning him, but I did find some old photos. He looks like such a rock star. I think he still lives in Brookswood with his parents.
The second love was a lady whose name I won't mention because people know her. She also broke my heart, by going out with someone that wasn't me when I was 18 years old. We were roommates and best friends. An affair with her continued over the years, on and off. Sometimes it seemed meaningful, and other times meaningless. Things never seem to feel finished with her, but always seem like a bad idea. Too dark, too troubled, no trust.
I'm not going to tell you who the third person is, but we dated for over a year when I was 18-20. I loved him a lot but we were too dependent on each other. I cheated on him, and after that, we fought like crazy. There were a lot of good times, a lot of intellectual conversation and spontaneous "events", but in the end, I was fickle and we couldn't get along.
The final love of my life is Jeremiah Hayward, who I am with right now. We've been together for two years. I don't have many paper documents to look back on with him, because I live life with him every day. We continue to make history together. I did, however find a birthday card he had made me, and an old picture I used to show everyone who I had a crush on before Jer and I were a couple, and I felt reminiscent. I thought of when I used to travel from Langley to stay at his and Liane's apartment. It was a great time in my life. Jeremiah is easily one of the sweetest, kindest, and gentlest people I've ever encountered, let alone fallen in love with. I think he is the most beautiful man in the entire world.
That was fucking mushy, but that's how I am today. A pile of mushy mushy sentiment for yesterday and today.
Plans: Thursday is Hershe bar with Steph. Friday, be a good girl and don't go to The Boredoms. Saturday is the Vapid/White Lung show.