Monday, May 5, 2008
spending warm summer days indoors
It is day 5 of tour and I know it is supposed to be the best time of my life because it is what I have looked forward to doing since I turned sixteen. The situation is perfect; I am in sunny California with my boyfriend and some of my best friends. But I feel so lonely, bored, and boring. I feel like a human piece of shit. I feel like I have nothing interesting or valuable to offer anyone in the world. When I go to talk to someone, I feel extremely self concious. I make a lot of faux pas. I say things that people think are rude, but I am only joking. Last night I seriously considered something huge. I can't say what it is, but it's been a growing consideration. When I take into consideration my unhappiness, disatisfaction, and feelings of loneliness, it makes me think, "why not?" And then I want to cry. A million thoughts flood through my mind, but I have yet to say anything of interest out loud. I bring people down. If this tour doesn't make me happy, I hope that I have the guts either to kill myself or get some sort of mental help.
In short, I think I must be depressed.