Monday, May 5, 2008

spending warm summer days indoors

It is day 5 of tour and I know it is supposed to be the best time of my life because it is what I have looked forward to doing since I turned sixteen. The situation is perfect; I am in sunny California with my boyfriend and some of my best friends. But I feel so lonely, bored, and boring. I feel like a human piece of shit. I feel like I have nothing interesting or valuable to offer anyone in the world. When I go to talk to someone, I feel extremely self concious. I make a lot of faux pas. I say things that people think are rude, but I am only joking. Last night I seriously considered something huge. I can't say what it is, but it's been a growing consideration. When I take into consideration my unhappiness, disatisfaction, and feelings of loneliness, it makes me think, "why not?" And then I want to cry. A million thoughts flood through my mind, but I have yet to say anything of interest out loud. I bring people down. If this tour doesn't make me happy, I hope that I have the guts either to kill myself or get some sort of mental help.

In short, I think I must be depressed.


adultbooks said...

i love you nikki. you have everything to offer and make me happy all day long.

Aaron said...

That's some oppressive lie the masses subconsciously broadcast to try to keep you common and unhappy. It's a good sign; it means something out there is scared. Fight harder