To Erin:

Out of all the conversations I had last night, the conversation I had with Erin has stuck in my mind the most. Although she was supposedly really intoxicated, she didn't seem it. We spoke coherently and from our hearts. This is all that matters. Also, there was a bit of gossip.

I must say: Perhaps I have gotten a bit safer in Terror Bird. I find it so difficult to listen to myself make downer music even though that is my favorite kind of thing to listen to, live or at home (Elise Vs. Lovecats? Obviously Elise.) I don't like to be the one responsible for bringing people who are in the mood to party's moods down. Lets face it, people at bars are often there to get drunk, not to listen to music.

But, aside from that, I don't want to bring myself down. But that IS being safe. I know people will like the songs that are upbeat and easy to listen to. I don't feel scared when I get on the stage anymore. Like in life, I remain detached on stage. The constant feeling that I am not taking place in what is actually happening. So strange to sit beside your father and sister, mumble out monotonous answers that you are trying to make sound alive and enthusiastic. Strange to wonder how and why and when you started to feel like you were in an apathetic dream (De-realization?) But when you are far away from the people you love, you start to feel more.

I feel most alive when I close my eyes, lay down and listen to a song. This makes me remember. Sometimes my memories make me feel more alive then my real life. Anyhow, that's a little off topic.

There is the issue of instrument switching. Jeremiah thought it looked bad to switch instruments on stage, while I wanted to do half guitar songs, half keyboards. Well, I chose an instrument and now the bulk of the songs I wrote in the beginning, I never play anymore. I also don't have any good recordings of these songs. They are so far in the past. I don't want to ruin them and...I don't remember how to play them.

I am having a hard time finding inspiration for music. I have enough songs already, but I like to write new songs so that they represent what I feel in the moment. I have lost my lyric skills. Somewhere along the line, I became too ...happy? No, just uncreative with words. Yet, I don't want tragedy in my life just so I can be inspired. I hope I never re-read this.